If Only.

Without fear.
Without restraint.
Without holding back.

I don't think that will ever come. For so long "if" and "when" were my favorite words. If this happens. When that happens. Just wait until then. You can let go of it later, hold on to it now. It just seems as though I keep "letting go" but somehow, like a boomerang, it always comes back, and I hold on tighter each time. I want to live without fear. I want to live without restraint. I want to live without holding back. I want to live without you holding me back. I want your death to stop ruining my life. I want to stay committed to something, or someone, long enough to know what being committed to something feels like. I want to stop pushing friends away out of fear. I want to stop hurting other people because I'm scared they're going to hurt me first. I just want to be myself again. Without fear. Without restraint. Without holding back.