Maybe.

"We ranaway, now all my friends gone. Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved. Runaway. But what are we running from? A show of hands from those in this audience of one, where have they gone ? We’re all ok, until the day we’re not. The surface shines, while the inside rots"

Maybe it's just me, but I think I'm outgrowing all the things I've once loved, all the people I have once loved. Well, me, I hate change, so how is it possible that I'm content with change when I'm the one doing the changing? I know I'm not the same person I was a few months ago, but I'm also not the same person I was two years ago. I'm slowly finding my way. I don't need to learn how to live my life from brainwashed people, who are just trying to brainwash me. I am my own person, and I will continue to be who I am even if it kills me. I have come to realize, in recent months, that I have spent so much time trying to be accepted, not by the world, but by the church, and it's completely ridiculous. If God accepts me for who I am, why can't everyone else? I'm sick of trying to act like the perfect Christian when on the inside I'm a wreck. Let me just say, I am NOT a Christian, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, and I believe I am going to Heaven, but I do NOT need a label to tell me that. I don't need a church to accept me, because honestly, I don't need people. So, I'm sorry if my new realization is hurting people. I'm sorry that if when I stop trying to please people that it makes people think I'm changing and that I don't care about them anymore, but I'd rather be myself and alone, than wear a disguise my whole life and be accepted. If you don't like me, then you don't have to deal with me. If you hate me, then just leave already, because as much as I want to runaway, I can't. I'm sick of trying to please people, I'm sick of not standing up for myself, and even worse, I'm sick of people making me feel like crap. They say some people are going to be in your life forever and others are just there to make an appearance, I have yet to find someone who will be in my life forever, but maybe I'm coming to terms with people making an appearance, and maybe them leaving me before I outgrow them is for the best, and maybe it will be less painful. I guess nothing good can last forever, but I'm okay with that.

Fearless.

You drag me head first fearless.

So, yeah, fear of letting people in, probably my biggest fear. I know that I'm going to get hurt if I let people get too close, and I don't want to get hurt, but I guess I'll use this potential pain to mask the pain of all my friends leaving me. This is the last time I get close to people. The last time. I just wish that people would stay in my life longer, rather than leave me. People are only out for themselves, and if they need to screw you over to get what they want, then they'll do it.

The sufferer and the witness.

"Show your wounds, I'm bored with mine, nothing is new."

I so desperately want You. I'd tear out my soul for you, my Dear. I tear out my sins for you, my Love. I'd do anything for You. Yet still, I don't have You. Do you even want me? I'm sorry. I really, truly am.

But this. This thing. It's powerful. And it's got a hold on me. And I've known this evil for so long. Too long. It might just be too late for me.

If Only.

Without fear.
Without restraint.
Without holding back.

I don't think that will ever come. For so long "if" and "when" were my favorite words. If this happens. When that happens. Just wait until then. You can let go of it later, hold on to it now. It just seems as though I keep "letting go" but somehow, like a boomerang, it always comes back, and I hold on tighter each time. I want to live without fear. I want to live without restraint. I want to live without holding back. I want to live without you holding me back. I want your death to stop ruining my life. I want to stay committed to something, or someone, long enough to know what being committed to something feels like. I want to stop pushing friends away out of fear. I want to stop hurting other people because I'm scared they're going to hurt me first. I just want to be myself again. Without fear. Without restraint. Without holding back.

Swing Life Away.

I really miss being depressed. Not gonna lie, I miss it so much.
I know that statement practically says "get me help now," but I don't mean it that way.
I just really hate being happy. It kind of seems like it's too good to be true, and the pessimist I am always looks for the bad to come. I guess, I can never truly be happy, I'm always expecting the worst in every situation and I never see all the good standing right in front of me, and when I don't appreciate the good, that's when everything gets bad. Just like I expected. I ruin my life, all by myself. I ruin every good thing in my life. Every single thing.

I wish I could just swing my life away. The swings are the only place where I don't have to be happy or sad, or any other emotion, I can just swing.

When I'm happy, I want to be depressed. When I'm depressed, I want to be happy.
I think I been looking for a reason to hurt again. I think I've finally found it.

I just don't know if I want it anymore.

Body Language.

People tend to say one thing and do another.
Ever heard of the good old saying "actions speak louder than words."
Well it is so true.
For just once, I wish people would say what they really mean.
One day, nothing holding you back, just be honest.
I know that they're never going to say what their thinking, but I wish they would.
I'm sick of this guessing game.
In fact, I'm sick of second guessing myself.
I'm sorry, but this is so ridiculous.
Grow a backbone, be real for just once, then maybe everything would be better.

The pain of separation.

No matter how far, no matter how long, no matter the circumstance.

As I stare of into the darkest of eyes, I have come to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things don't always go right, but if you want the good in life, you need to take the bad, and sometimes you'll turn the pain into love. Perhaps you will find The Love that is perfect in weakness, and you will be made perfect.

Love will keep us together.

Boys suck.
I'm so not over it. <337
Oh, well.
I'm going camping :]

Joy to the World.

Merry Christmas everyone! <337
What'd you get? I was blessed with a lovely record player that is currently blasting AFI.

On a completely different subject, today, I, for some odd reason felt that I looked like Davey Havok...since I'm a girl I'm not sure if that is an insult or a complement....?
Anywho, I thought I'd share my picture that resembles Davey oh so well.

As yet another side note, I got a used guitar hero guitar from my brother...no game...just the guitar.
I decided to put it to good use. I dressed up as a rockstar and blasted some music and rocked out, ninja moves and all. :D

Baby, it's cold outside.

Cold for Florida anyway. Sadly not cold enough to snow :[
That's the one flaw in this Christmas excitement that is drawing near.
Let's begin the awesome-ness.
In no specific order:
Jade is in the new issue of Guitar World. (see pic below)
I will soon be able to play my iPod in my car.
Jesus' Birthday!!! duh.
Winter rocks.
I can play decemberunderground on a loop.
Life's good.

Crash, love.

So, I realize I have been a terrible blogger. Sorry for not updating in so long. I guess I'm not blogging everyday like I used to. Oh baby that ship has sailed.

But for all of you reading (the invisible people), November was such a great month. Many great things have happened, including, my top two favorites, two, count 'em two, AFI shows, and three very special birthdays.
Birthdays included, Davey and Jade, of course, but also my big 18, finally legal. It was an awesome day, I finally got my lip pierced, after 8 years of waiting. Oh, and come December I'll be all tatted up...okay, my first tattoo. I'm pretty stoked. I'm not sure what to get first, I have a whole bunch of tattoo ideas in storage, it's just a matter of picking the perfect one.

Well, to end the first blog in a long while, I will promise many more to come, oh, and of course, leave you with this.

Even though everything sucks, it'll all be better one day, nothing lasts forever, including both the good and the bad.

Oh, and, if you're reading this.
Thanks.

The Birthday Special.

A very happy birthday to me.