Love will keep us together.

Boys suck.
I'm so not over it. <337
Oh, well.
I'm going camping :]

Joy to the World.

Merry Christmas everyone! <337
What'd you get? I was blessed with a lovely record player that is currently blasting AFI.

On a completely different subject, today, I, for some odd reason felt that I looked like Davey Havok...since I'm a girl I'm not sure if that is an insult or a complement....?
Anywho, I thought I'd share my picture that resembles Davey oh so well.

As yet another side note, I got a used guitar hero guitar from my brother...no game...just the guitar.
I decided to put it to good use. I dressed up as a rockstar and blasted some music and rocked out, ninja moves and all. :D

Baby, it's cold outside.

Cold for Florida anyway. Sadly not cold enough to snow :[
That's the one flaw in this Christmas excitement that is drawing near.
Let's begin the awesome-ness.
In no specific order:
Jade is in the new issue of Guitar World. (see pic below)
I will soon be able to play my iPod in my car.
Jesus' Birthday!!! duh.
Winter rocks.
I can play decemberunderground on a loop.
Life's good.

Crash, love.

So, I realize I have been a terrible blogger. Sorry for not updating in so long. I guess I'm not blogging everyday like I used to. Oh baby that ship has sailed.

But for all of you reading (the invisible people), November was such a great month. Many great things have happened, including, my top two favorites, two, count 'em two, AFI shows, and three very special birthdays.
Birthdays included, Davey and Jade, of course, but also my big 18, finally legal. It was an awesome day, I finally got my lip pierced, after 8 years of waiting. Oh, and come December I'll be all tatted up...okay, my first tattoo. I'm pretty stoked. I'm not sure what to get first, I have a whole bunch of tattoo ideas in storage, it's just a matter of picking the perfect one.

Well, to end the first blog in a long while, I will promise many more to come, oh, and of course, leave you with this.

Even though everything sucks, it'll all be better one day, nothing lasts forever, including both the good and the bad.

Oh, and, if you're reading this.
Thanks.

The Birthday Special.

A very happy birthday to me.

Nyquil.

No amount of medication in the world could cure this illness.
Death has come upon me...

Sleep. I want to stay in bed all throughout the day, no one bother me.

I don't wanna open my eyes.
I'll lie here in my room. I have no need to see.
No one wake me, I just want to stay right bed.
No one move me, I just want to lie right here, right in my warm bed,
because I don't want to see tomorrow.

Just Can't Get Enough.

Hmm..so my first ever college football game.
Ew, to the half dressed sorority girls, and the shirtless frat boys.
Oh geez. Trust me, more drunks than I've ever seen before.
And I've seen plenty.

Vacation.

To FSU. Tallee, baby!
Oh how I have missed the one and only Kylie Dee, and of course Pretty Moonshine Lauren, and it's great to see Matt, as well.

So basically, the campus is such an underground gorgeous.
It's nice, so far.
And UF, well it's HUGE!

We've got the...cute.

They just look so cute, I just  want to hug them! Haha, I hate feet, but they have cute feet.
So, cute. Like bunnies, or ducks, or puppies, or something!

Fainting Spells

is such a great song!

Fallen Like The Sky.

Paper or Plastic?!
Personally, I like plastic.

Like the ultimate question: mp3 or cd?!
CD, no contest! Hands down, you can download it on your iPod, play it in the car, play it on the computer, play it in the stereo, and you have it, to hold and look at and take up space.
What if your computer crashes or your iPod breaks?!
I'm not taking any chances, my cd's and vinyl are my children!!

Standing In The Dark.

Hmm...
hmmmm....
kill me now.

It was mine.

Don't move
Don't do anything
What we captured got away, slipped from us
Don't speak, don't
don't say anything, they've been recording all we say for years now.
You won't see them right away
but you'll hear them singing.
Hold me closely now but don't, don't say anything.
They've come to take me away
and won't leave until I'm gone
Don't feel
Don't love anything
Love attracts all those who taint, the cherished.
Don't try to
to change anything
Nothing pure can ever stay
They'll say relax, you'll be fine.
All we love goes away
They'll take all you let them find..it was mine.

Cold Hands.

How I regret what I must do but you've left me no choice. Though I still strain I can't recall the beauty of your fey voice.Now that I've heard come through the walls a song I've heard many times I must return all you gave me in the company of swine.We had found sacred ground you burnt down.I thought you sang so tastefully but now I see I was wrong.Your serenade turns to filth when I leave so, please, cut the love song.How I regret what I must do but you must be replaced for I cannot go on suffering such simple and common tastes.When you met my eyes you sang to me of passion, pain and will.When I blinked you turned away to kiss the hand of filth.You had found sacred ground I'll burn downTell me who will hear your voice, your song, when the smoke has cleared and the lights are gone? Tell me, who appears when I'm gone.

Darling I Want To Destroy You.

Were you dying to go? You just looked so exposed, demure through the dark dancing lights. I glided by. I can't deny that the shadows betrayed you and I on that night.Oh, I must confess I am overdressed. Are you not impressed? Darling I want to.I'll confess this too, must you know the truth, this is all for you. Darling I want to destroy you.As you reached for my hand did you then understand? It was I who would lead you that night. When you begged to know I was glad to show that I needn't be scared, either way I still bight.So here's the final scene when I finally come clean. I've watched you for years. And here's my favorite part, where you beg for my heart and I disappear.

I Am Trying Very Hard To Be Here.

Before you came what was your name? Did you look like me?No one's from here, no one my dear, not even the trees.So change your name, just keep your face. We're temporary anyway.Before you came we played this game in our masquerade.Flash, Flash, Car Crashwe're no fixtures.Quick, now, Quick take our picture!What was your past? When was the last time that you recall someone you knew was someone who asked nothing of you?So lose your past. I'm sure you'll find it's in the way all the time.Before you're through you're someone who looks a lot like you.We can't remember the seasonsWe chant in the manmade snow.We can't recall the feelings that we cannot show.

Okay, I feel better now.

There is nothing to me. There is nothing though there was a time I had felt elation before all sensation died.I cannot breathe. I can't deny that I've been feigning, for you, every vital sign defied. This means nothing to me. This means nothing so spare me the lies. I deny you sympathy just as I have been denied.I cannot breathe. I can't deny that I've been faking, for you, every sign of life. I died for the last lie, and the heartbreak for the first time, I could not take til I made you cry.This is what you taught me. This is what you taught - and I learned well - to recognize that feeling easily can be dispelled. Show your wounds I'm bored with mine. Nothing is new. Don't despair I rarely cry.Oh my dear please dry your eyes. Who could harm you? To hurt you is to be despised, as I'd love to.

Happy Crash Love Day!!!

09.29.09
Crash Love Day!
Listening to the epic-ness that is the new AFI cd.
<3

Veronica Sawyer Smokes.

Oh my story is not the oldest of it's kind.
I was too touched to see you clearly, far too young to realize I had loved so dearly you, who's world I had designed, but the sweet smoke came with mirrors and it brought tears to my wide eyes.
Dying just to see you...dying since I misconstrued your blue heart, black eyes, feigning falling, words I won't forget.
I died right when I saw you while you shared that cigarette.

Oh I saw you every time I closed my eyes, in the Hughes film I had scored, produced and starred in, in my mind.
I could recite you, well, I'd written every line... but you strayed far from my flawless script on which I'd spent a lifetime!Falling over dead. Dying since I had misread your blue heart, black eyes, feigning falling, words I won't forget. I died right when I saw you while you shared that cigarette.

Too Shy To Scream.

I come quietly. Silent entities can lack a certain weight when unseen.
Do they speak of me? My voice left with the breeze that whispered "you should flee or you shall be seen."

I'd die if you only met my eyes. Before you pass by, will you pause to break my heart.

I am everywhere, everywhere but here, for here is where you grace the nameless.
Were I not so weak, could I even speak I'd warn that you should leave before you're seen with me.

They don't hear me. Do I bore them when I tell them I adore them?

Beautiful Thieves

My dear there is no danger.
Can't you see they turn blind eyes to we swift and spotlight strangers?
Before the rush is over we will be revered again, while the victims still recover.

If we run this light, take a little life, no one will care at all.
We can burn it and leave, for we are the beautiful thieves no one suspects at all.

Are we running toward death? I have met him times before, he adores us like the rest.
Even if we're discovered, just be sure to wear your best. We will surely make the covers.

Who would run for cover? Who would run from us?

Torch Song.

I saw you. Angels came to light your path.
I heard you keep their wings pressed under glass.
Now am I so enthralled that I might die?
I saw you, sweetly smile, and say "do try".

Anything
I'd tear out my eyes for you my dear, anything to see everything that you do.

I saw you so bereft so pale and weak when I looked through you and I declined to speak.

I won't say anything.
I'd tear out my eyes for you my dear, anything to see everything that you do. I'd do anything. I'll tear out my soul for you my dear, oh my dear anything, to feel everything as you do.

Leave me. Leave me to grieve that nothing's lost.
Leave me, but when you leave know nothing's lost

Radio.

I just realized.
I have school on 09.29.09.
That sucks.
Beyond belief.
...

Screamo.

People are so obnoxious.
Sometimes I just want to scream.

Before the Sun Goes Down.

Before the world spins around.
Before a new day's found.
I must forgive.

Better is one day.

Better is one day in your courts.
Better is one day in your house.
Better is one day in your courts, than thousands elsewhere.


My heart and flesh cry out.
For you the living God.
Your spirit's water for my soul.
I've tasted and I've seen.
Come once again to me.
I will draw near to you.

Better is one day in the house of my God, than a thousand anywhere else.

Everything.

Take me deeper now.
I have no time.

Broken.

Yeah. I messed up again.

Under My Skin.

Don't Let Go.
Never.
Ever.
Hold On.
You WILL Make it Through This Time.

Count 'em.

One.
Two.
Three.

My biggest fear.

Public speaking.
I'm Bekyy, with TWO "y"s, and there are 70 days till my birthday.

I love him.

He is my best friend, whether or not I am his.
I love ya little bro ♥

I'll stand by you.

Even in my darkest hour.
I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.

Forever and always.

Just once.
I want someone who, I can truly say, will be in my life forever and always.
I'm sick of ruining good things out of fear.
I want someone who I know will never leave me.
Yes, I have God.
But I want to know, that no matter what, my best friends will always be here.
I don't want to lose them.

Rock the Universe.

I can't wait for PureNRG.

Fear.

Fear of love.
Commitment.
Rollercoasters.
Yourself.
Fear hold you back in a lot of things.
Don't let fear control you life.

I can't wait.

I've got Hilary Duff stuck in my head.
AFI has two awesome Florida shows coming up.
And PureNRG on Sunday.
Life's good.

Carbon.

I contribute 9.1 tons of carbon emissions per year.
The average U.S. total is 27 tons per year.
The average for the world is 5.5 tons.
Woah.

This Time Imperfect.

Some things you can wish away.
Some things you can't.
Some things you can pray away.
Some things you can't.
Some things require strength.
Other require will.
Some things will never change.

When I'm famous.

I won't be poor.
Then maybe I can support this family.
Yes, the family I can't stand will be completely taken care of.
And if something unexpected happens, it's ok, because I can take care of it.
Finally I will be in control.
No more pain from something I can't control.

He could be the one.

I can hardly breathe, something's been telling me maybe he coud be the one.

Baby come back.

Mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah.
Yes yes.

Pray.

1Corinthians 10:13

You don't always get what you want.

Sometimes you get exactly what you want.
Sometimes exactly what you want, become exactly what you never wanted.

Boys are bad news.

It's pretty funny how much drama boys cause. I'll admit it, I'm completely happy without a guy. It's nice and drama free.


p.s. boys are bad news.

Life is Beautiful.

Would you swear on your life that no one would cry at your funeral?
Just open your eyes, and see that life is beautiful.

Watch. This. Now.


No matter what you think. There is always someone out there who loves you. When you hurt, they hurt. When you're happy, they're happy. Trust me. Everyone has someone.
You are loved. If not by family, by your Salvation.

Beloved.

Can you handle it?

Can you handle it if we go against the crowd?

what if we push back when we're pushed around?

Blessing in disguise.

I'm too blessed to be stressed.

I am so lucky.
And I never appreciate what I have near enough.

Classic.

What does it matter?
It doesn't even matter.
Well, yes, it matters to me.
And that's what counts.

All you need is love.

Love. Love.
Love is all you need.

Haha.

Ha.

Put a smile on your face.
It makes the world a better place...because if we can endure it.
So can you.

Hearts Frozen Solid, Thawed Once More By The Spring Of Rage, Despair And Hopelessness.

Trust.

Trust people. You will be let down.
Don't trust people. You will let yourself down.

Life is a bipolar person on a rollercoaster.
Life is a complete hypocrite.
Life is not fair. Ever.
Life is impossible.
Life is death.

Love your hate.

Good vs. Evil

Have you ever felt like you were living a double life? You don't necessarily have to have two completely different families that you switch back and forth between that neither family knows about. I'm talking about, you, being two people.

As for me, yes. And I don't know what it means. But it just is. Sometimes they dissolve into each other, and I can't really tell that there's two of me, that's when I think I'm normal. But then there is how my life usually is. One minute I'm the good Christian girl, so passionate about God. The next, I'm this other girl. The "average" teen, if there ever was such a thing. The first is strong, loving, fun, loud, ready to learn. The other is insecure, hopeless, lost, dissinterested, bored, creative, a painter, a writer, a musician. One is bright colors, one is black. One is smiling, one has fear in her eyes. These two different people switch on and off, and it's terrifying. In a spilt second the switch is flipped, who am I now? Do the people I am with like this person? How well can I hide the switch? The only thing worse than the lows are the highs. The highs are nice while they last, but they will just be cut down by a violent low. The lows are nicer, because I feel real. I feel pain. Beauty. Loss. Suffering. Creativity. Raw emotions. Instead of those uncomfortable highs of bliss, a false glimmer of hope. And everytime they come, I pray they will stay, but they never do. No one understands, they say it's normal. And yes, it may very well be "normal" like they say, but either way, whether everyone feels this way or it's just me, the double life sucks. I just want to be one person. One whole, real person.

Medicate.

Way too much going on in AFI world to even begin to comprehend.
I think my brain will explode.

Nobody's perfect.

Don't let your past determine your future.

Help!

I need somebody. Help.

What do you do when the one thing that is killing you is also the one thing that is keeping you alive?

So, simple and innocent.

Like apple and cinnamon.

Sometimes things don't make sense.
Oh well.
No big deal.
Stop trying to explain everything. Just enjoy life's miracles instead of analyzing and rationalizing everything. You'll find that once you let go of the things that are holding you back, you will truly find your purpose.

Time Stands Still.

When my soul leaves, it's completely silent and completely peaceful.

Most people I know have never experienced this feeling. It's quite nice. Like your soul escapes your body, for just a moment, and its perfect. Your body just drags down your soul, and for that moment where your soul is body-less, there is nothing better. For your flesh is a gateway to sinful desires. My body is filled with hate, anger, insecurities. But my soul, it is filled with love, compassion, peace. And nothing feels better then your soul being lifted away, and the hate is gone. For a split second, love is the only thing you know.

It's all over.

If your looking for a sign. This is it.

So much for my happy ending,

Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead, held up so high on such unbreakable thread.

There is this completely obvious line between happy and sad, and everyone knows it's there. They're total opposites, a long way from each other. Then, if that's true, how come it is so hard to find that line. So, hard to find the other side. Yes, depression, anxiety, emo-kid-ness, bummed, morose, down, low, dejected, lost, spiritless, hopeless, are all emotions. Everyone drags sometimes, but when you no longer know what happiness is there is a real problem. Now, I'm not saying I have no reason to be happy. I have God, a family, great friends, and everything I need, but that doesn't create happiness, or the feeling of being wanted or needed, or even like your good enough. Truth be told, I'm not good enough, no one is, but I'm never enough. Never nice enough, pretty enough, smart enough, friendly enough, strong enough, I'm just never good enough. And I know that no one is perfect, but when I'm surrounded by people who are better than me at EVERYTHING it starts to weigh down on you. (Especially when one person has to one-up you in everything, and they don't mean to do it, but they do. And I will never be good enough. They have everything I want, the family I want, the friends I want, the fact that everyone likes them, they have the talent I want, the looks that I want, the recognition I want, even the boy I want. They have absolutely everything I want, and I'll flat out admit the fact that I'm jealous, but this has absolutely nothing with what I'm trying to say.)
Once you've fallen so deep, you forget what happiness feels like. (And eventually, you will regain the happiness you deserve, I promise, it does get better.) But, honestly, I'm scared of being happy. It's uncomfortable. It's not normal. It only causes even more problems. I DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPY! It makes me lose my creativity. It makes me lose my sanity. It makes me lose the one thing that holds me together. Every second that I am happy, it terrifies me, because I know that depression will sneak up in a few moments. It doesn't last.

For, this too shall pass.

Gum. Nail biting. &Kylie.

'How did you get here under my skin. I swore that I'd never let you back in."

Once you start, you won't be able to stop. You can't say no. Because the minute you let something or someone in you have given it a key. Then it can come back whenever it wants. No amount of self-control will be able to stop it. And even if you push it away. Eventually it will get back in. And there it will stay. Under your skin. Like a nasty infection, it will spread. Like a disease, it will devour. And like death. It will become. Inevitable.


http://media.photobucket.com/image/postsecret/woaleslieXO/Post%20Secret/2wqtw82.jpg?o=26

Trendsetters, Jetsetters, and cruise control.

What do boy bands, short skirts, emo kids, and MySpace all have in common? They are all trends.
Trend: (trěnd) n.
1. The general direction in which something tends to move.
2. A general tendency or inclination.
3. Current style; vogue: the latest trend in fashion.
intr.v. trend·ed, trend·ing, trends
Today we will be using dictionary definition number three. Yeah, point blank, trends are stupid, but just because it's a trend doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Yes, I think Fall Out Boy is a trendy- teenybopper-sellout band but they still have a few good songs. Short skirts are fine with leggings underneath, some of my best friends are "emo" kids, and I also have a MySpace. Just because I follow a trend doesn't make me some mindless zombie. Just like most people I think trends are stupid, but I don't like things because other people like them. I have a brain and I like what I like. If everyone started liking AFI I'm still gonna like them. Whether or not the "cool kids" think it's lame. If everyone became a Christian I'm NOT going to convert to atheism.
Basically, this has no point at all, I just wanted to say that, anti-conformity is also a trend, and by you thinking that trends are stupid you are being a hypocrite because you have become a trend yourself.
Urban dictionary definition:
"2. Trend- A religon that attention-seeking highschoolers worship as an effort to mask the fact that they are worthless nobodys that will never have a life."
F.Y.I. for posting that, you have become a follower of anti-conformity, join the club, not only are you a mindless zombie, but you are now a wannabe trendsetter.

Never unrequited or inadequate.

When it comes to life there are a lot of things you need. You need your liver to get rid of toxins, you need your lungs to breathe, you need your heart to pump blood, and you need your spleen to do whatever a spleen does.

There are a lot of intricacies to the whole idea of living. It's actually quite remarkable how something so complicated comes to form something so...easy. Yes, living is easy. Living in a sinful world isn't easy, but the whole aspect of waking up alive is rather effortless. You don't have to keep telling your brain "inhale, heartbeat, heartbeat, exhale, inhale, heartbeat, heartbeat, exhale..." it just happens. The thought doesn't even cross your mind, in other words, you do it without thinking.

Think before you speak. Parents tell their kids that all the time. If I only listened to that, I wouldn't be digging myself out of so many painful conversations. But sometimes, I don't need to think, I just need to trust my instincts instead of calmly and rationally thinking things out. If someone asks me "hey, can I kill your dog?" I don't have to think about that, my answer is no, and that's all it ever will be. If my friend is hurting I'm not going to just sit back and watch her slowly die, without a doubt in mind, I'm going to be there for her, I going to try and get her help. I don't have to think about it at all.

A year ago, if someone asked me if I was willing to jump in front of a bus to save an innocent child, I would have to think about it. Could I die, to save someone else's life? Was I ready to die? Was my faith strong enough for me to know that without a doubt I was going to be with God afterward? No. But recently I have come across a revelation. Now my faith is strong enough. So, if you held a gun to my head, and said, "if you believe in God, I'm going to pull the trigger. Do you believe in God?" I will say, I don't just believe in God, I am saved by God, I am loved by God, and I am a child of God. Last year, I would have had to think about it. But now, it's like breathing. Obvious and effortless.

On the cover of a magazine.

Cats have nine lives.
Jon and Kate plus eight.
There are seven deadly sins.
Guitars have six strings.
Actors take five.
There are four seasons.
Three is a crowd.
You kill two birds with a single stone.
One is the lonliest number.

On the cover of a magazine what do you see? Glamorous people. Silky hair. White teeth. High cheekbones. Long legs. Oh, and of course, thin bodies. They all have one thing in common. Perfection. Or at least the appearance of perfection. All the scars are painted over on the cover of a magazine. No one can compare to the cover of a magazine. You can be a size two, but of course that doesn't mean a thing. You will NEVER be good enough. No matter how hard you try, you will fail. So, why don't you borrow my philosophy. Don't try. If you fail, but don't try, you won't feel as bad as if you gave it your all and still came up short. I used to live by this philosophy. Until now. Because those models. Those fake models. On the cover of the magazine, are just that, FAKE. And being real is so much better than trying so hard to be something that doesn't exist. Did you know that Barbie's fake? Yep, completely artificial. Did you also know that if Barbie was real, like an actual person, she would die. According to scientists (from a source I'm too lazy to look up), Barbie's waist is too thin, her boobs are too big, and her feet are too small that she wouldn't be able to stand, she would just fall over because or her proportions. So, if you want to strive to some completely ficticious plastic, then go ahead. But even printed on glossy paper, you would still be you, a real person. Not a magazine cover.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, one may be the lonliest number. But I would rather be one lonely person who is real, than one equally lonely fake person with a lot of equally lonely and insecure friends. I'd take legitimate, tangible, and authentic over wannabe, any day.

Lost In Transit.

There's this box. This box is special. You put your problems inside. There they will stay, locked up. There they will stay hidden. No one knows, and no one can speak of what's in the box. It's magic, ya know. Too bad it's fake.

Magic boxes are fake, problems are real.

I can spend all my time trying to wish it away, but that doesn't work. Life is kind of like a car crash, you're just driving along, perfectly fine, life's good. Then all of a sudden, CRASH! Flash, flash, car crash. It's there and it's real, it's a problem, and you're in a panic. Are you ok? Is everyone else okay? Eventually you calm down, you move on, you make the right decision and drive along waiting for the next icy patch on the road. Only some people crash harder than others, some people only experience fender benders. For some, there's blood. For others, death. Some are bruised. Some are broken. Some are perfectly fine. In fact, most are perfectly fine.
Then there are those of us, we are lost. And it's hard to tell if the real us will ever be found under all those remains. They all want to be found, to be saved, to be made real again. But then there are people like me, the sick kind, the ones who don't want to be found. The ones who are perfectly happy hiding underneath all the debris, because it's safer than trying to move. Why try to move? I could be hurt even worse by moving me. Or I could make it out alive, I could be real, for once in my life, I can move on. And I don't need to hide under the metal junk of a death that shouldn't define me anyway.

In loving memory.