If Only.

Without fear.
Without restraint.
Without holding back.

I don't think that will ever come. For so long "if" and "when" were my favorite words. If this happens. When that happens. Just wait until then. You can let go of it later, hold on to it now. It just seems as though I keep "letting go" but somehow, like a boomerang, it always comes back, and I hold on tighter each time. I want to live without fear. I want to live without restraint. I want to live without holding back. I want to live without you holding me back. I want your death to stop ruining my life. I want to stay committed to something, or someone, long enough to know what being committed to something feels like. I want to stop pushing friends away out of fear. I want to stop hurting other people because I'm scared they're going to hurt me first. I just want to be myself again. Without fear. Without restraint. Without holding back.

Swing Life Away.

I really miss being depressed. Not gonna lie, I miss it so much.
I know that statement practically says "get me help now," but I don't mean it that way.
I just really hate being happy. It kind of seems like it's too good to be true, and the pessimist I am always looks for the bad to come. I guess, I can never truly be happy, I'm always expecting the worst in every situation and I never see all the good standing right in front of me, and when I don't appreciate the good, that's when everything gets bad. Just like I expected. I ruin my life, all by myself. I ruin every good thing in my life. Every single thing.

I wish I could just swing my life away. The swings are the only place where I don't have to be happy or sad, or any other emotion, I can just swing.

When I'm happy, I want to be depressed. When I'm depressed, I want to be happy.
I think I been looking for a reason to hurt again. I think I've finally found it.

I just don't know if I want it anymore.