So much for my happy ending,

Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead, held up so high on such unbreakable thread.

There is this completely obvious line between happy and sad, and everyone knows it's there. They're total opposites, a long way from each other. Then, if that's true, how come it is so hard to find that line. So, hard to find the other side. Yes, depression, anxiety, emo-kid-ness, bummed, morose, down, low, dejected, lost, spiritless, hopeless, are all emotions. Everyone drags sometimes, but when you no longer know what happiness is there is a real problem. Now, I'm not saying I have no reason to be happy. I have God, a family, great friends, and everything I need, but that doesn't create happiness, or the feeling of being wanted or needed, or even like your good enough. Truth be told, I'm not good enough, no one is, but I'm never enough. Never nice enough, pretty enough, smart enough, friendly enough, strong enough, I'm just never good enough. And I know that no one is perfect, but when I'm surrounded by people who are better than me at EVERYTHING it starts to weigh down on you. (Especially when one person has to one-up you in everything, and they don't mean to do it, but they do. And I will never be good enough. They have everything I want, the family I want, the friends I want, the fact that everyone likes them, they have the talent I want, the looks that I want, the recognition I want, even the boy I want. They have absolutely everything I want, and I'll flat out admit the fact that I'm jealous, but this has absolutely nothing with what I'm trying to say.)
Once you've fallen so deep, you forget what happiness feels like. (And eventually, you will regain the happiness you deserve, I promise, it does get better.) But, honestly, I'm scared of being happy. It's uncomfortable. It's not normal. It only causes even more problems. I DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPY! It makes me lose my creativity. It makes me lose my sanity. It makes me lose the one thing that holds me together. Every second that I am happy, it terrifies me, because I know that depression will sneak up in a few moments. It doesn't last.

For, this too shall pass.